My Heart Is Breaking

For the first time in months, I'm writing this blog entry without Bobby in the house, hoping he reads it, and it helps him in some way.

As I'm sure my readers have guessed, we've been having problems.. we had similar problems the last time we both lost our jobs at the same time. It's like that little black cloud over me just keeps getting bigger. After weeks of stress and tension, I drove Bobby to his mom's house and left him there tonight. My heart has been breaking for days. Something is wrong, and he won't tell me what it is. I love him so much. For days now he's been pushing me away literally. Won't talk to me, touch me.. nothing. The fighting is unbearable. So unlike himself.. he yelled at me today called me a bitch for asking what was wrong.. even yelled at Aleia because she had to go potty. That did it for me. Bobby is going to stay at his mom's for a few days to give us some time apart. I feel like I'm having to bear the burden of all this alone now, adding the weight of wondering if he still loves me or not. Of if he's willing to fight for what we have or just give up. I've never cried so hard in my life. The time my ex put me in the hospital never hurt anywhere near as bad as this does. I had a friend over the weekend ask me who I fantasize about. And I couldn't answer them honestly because I know they'll think I'm lying. But Bobby's face is all I see anymore. When I dream, he's who I dream about. When I read novels, the characters take on his likeness. I absolutely adore him, and find myself at 4:30 not wanting to go to our bed ... alone.