If you figure it out, let me know...

Watching my daughter sleep today, I stood there playing over in my head the reasons I hadn't gone after Jason for child support and why I didn't even give her his name when she was born. The fights with my family over the possibility that if I did, he might try to take her. And if he wasn't going to be in her life, what happens when i do find the man I want to spend my life with, and will be a father to her. What are the complications of that man being able to adopt her? Even now, after I've done some on-line research, there are still some fears about it all. I'm in Kansas and he's in North Carolina (at least he was 3 years ago) What happens if they expect me to appear in NC for a trial on it? Will I have to try to get her to NC for visitations? If I make him start paying, will he try to get custody of her from me? That questions weighs the most on me. There's still this voice inside of me that is screaming.. "NO!!! Keep him out of it! It's safer this way!" Then there's the other voice saying..."he's walking around free, and you're being mother and father to this precious little girl, and even though she's never lacked for anything, you're thinking of taking on a 2nd job just to make the ends meet " I've convinced myself to call and talk to a case worker to see what would be involved,a nd what I'd have to do exactly.

It's not as easy a decision as one might think.

Just ignor me, I think it's pms

Sheesh I do need to update this more... well let's see... I made it to Illinois without killing my dad or my grandma (not that I didn't consider making one or both of them walk the rest of the way about a thousand times! We got snowed in... my great uncle died Saturday night... I was still driving on friggen dealer plates until today when I could get to the tag office and register my car! (The dealership finally handed over my title at 5:30 pm on 12-31 after the tag office closed at 5..a nd they couldn't understand why I couldn't leave work just to go pick it up! Can we say @@#%%&%!#%^*%%^*@#!!! (insert expletives) My cell took a head dive over mom's bannister before I left and is now in some Cingular service shop (oh dear phone I miss you!) Umm if anyone's wondering why I haven't called recently.. I can't get your phone numbers off my phone, and they aren't written down anywhere else! (Minor oversight on my part!)

Somehow I got stuck handling the unbilled charges for lab for all of 2003 which are about 700 at the moment... yeah lucky me! I have no idea what's going on with my ring of online friends. It's like I know there are things going on that I'm just totally being left out of, intentional or not. Did I mention I hate Kansas? I'm pretty sure 90% of the people that know me online and off think I'm a crazy slut after the NYE party I got talked into going to. And nooooooo I didn't want or "get any" from anyone there. Some days I feel like I can't win for loosing.

I'm at a rough point with my daughter. She's 2 1/2 and has started asking me if every man that walks by is her daddy. How much longer do I have before she realizes she doesn't have a father? How much longer before I have to explain that some prick decided he didn't want her? I've contemplated going after Jason for child support as it's getting harder to make ends meet. And I've refused to go on welfare or food stamps or anything. I've tried very hard to take care of her myself. Someone needs to write a song about single moms.

I feel like I'm being pushed out suddenly. I feel like I am no longer considered a part of the girls. Remind me to ask about the tools and the DD sometime, cause apparently someone forgot to tell me. which reminds me.. I hope someone explained to B that I'm keeping a promise not to call, write, reply or contact him in any way, and it's not anything against him... just keeping my word. Oh yeah... what was I being serious about? Sorry I must have missed the "can't believe we're stuck with her" looks.

I just don't know what to think anymore. one min I feel like nothing's changed and the next I feel like the nice retarded friend people are nice to just cause you don't want anyone to say you weren't kind to the dumb little fat girl that nobody truly wants or ever will.

Lke I said just ignor me.. it's probably pms