My Heart Is Breaking

For the first time in months, I'm writing this blog entry without Bobby in the house, hoping he reads it, and it helps him in some way.

As I'm sure my readers have guessed, we've been having problems.. we had similar problems the last time we both lost our jobs at the same time. It's like that little black cloud over me just keeps getting bigger. After weeks of stress and tension, I drove Bobby to his mom's house and left him there tonight. My heart has been breaking for days. Something is wrong, and he won't tell me what it is. I love him so much. For days now he's been pushing me away literally. Won't talk to me, touch me.. nothing. The fighting is unbearable. So unlike himself.. he yelled at me today called me a bitch for asking what was wrong.. even yelled at Aleia because she had to go potty. That did it for me. Bobby is going to stay at his mom's for a few days to give us some time apart. I feel like I'm having to bear the burden of all this alone now, adding the weight of wondering if he still loves me or not. Of if he's willing to fight for what we have or just give up. I've never cried so hard in my life. The time my ex put me in the hospital never hurt anywhere near as bad as this does. I had a friend over the weekend ask me who I fantasize about. And I couldn't answer them honestly because I know they'll think I'm lying. But Bobby's face is all I see anymore. When I dream, he's who I dream about. When I read novels, the characters take on his likeness. I absolutely adore him, and find myself at 4:30 not wanting to go to our bed ... alone.

Now that I've had time to cool down...

Gees... I feel like I've not talked to or seen anyone since like tues. As from my last blog y'all know bout the party thing. Scott got Bobby's butt up at 6 and brought him home. I had laid down but was still awake when he came in. He went to the bathroom and then out to his chair.. I got up and he apologized for waking me up. He held me and we talked before I went back to bed and could finally fall asleep. I had an interview at 3 (went really good I hope) Got home in time to get Aleia cleaned up and get us headed to pick up Wyatt. had Wyatt from 6-8, headed to mom's to drop Aleia off. Stopped by home to change my shirt and shoes, got to Remington's (aka The Joey Bar) Sang a few songs, but have this sinus crap again. I talked to Michelle and Mo and Ed about the party. Found out that the kid Bobby stayed to help was so drunk he was puking lying down and aspirating (breathing it in) the phone was in Bobby's pocket and no one took it to him in the bathroom where he sat holding the kid up. Bobby got sent to pack up the show at The Lettuce and The Other Side, and I took care of a drunk Ed. Am grateful for the money he's been throwing our way for helping. Thurs morning found us at court by 8 am for Bobby's child support on Wyatt. Ugh don't even want to think about it. Dropped Bobby off and had to go take Dad to the doctor cause they found possible cancerous nodules on his thyroid. Took Aleia home and Ed had already come to pick up Bobby. My first batch of invitation paper was here so had to bust out the behind ones as fast as my printer would go. left to pick dad back up.. got home, made dinner and then went back to work on the invitations. Donna called while I was working on dinner,a nd I never got around to calling her back. I'm sure everyone thought I had disappeared off the face of the earth! I stayed up and got everythign printed and headed to bed. Fri I dropped Aleia off at mom's at 9 and took dad for another ultrasound on my way to an interview. Got done with it.. great job.. hope to hear from them tomorrow! Bobby was gone again tearing down and moving sound equipment. The dj that was supposed to do Charlie's had something come up so Bobby had to host. I dropped him at Ed's and headed to The Joey bar to watch the race. Got some dinner,a nd Donna met me there. Bobby had our phone since he was alone, so had to have Donna txt for me since I couldn't figure out her phone. Darn it.. still needing to see the replay to figure out what happened to Joey.. He was doing sooooo good! Up in 5th most of the night! Bobby had to tear that down so Tasha and Adam (showed up later) drove me home cause Adam took my car to go help Bobby. Got in bout 2 :30 and into bed since we needed to pick up Wyatt (which Amy found a reason to try and get in our house again by "needing" to drop him off.) We met her at the door. I went to mom's at 9:30 to go work at the flea market with her. Got home bout 6. Bobby got called that the dj for the Air Force Awards thing was sick, so I had to drive Bobby and the kids to Ed's to drop him off,a nd had the 2 kids by myself last night. I let Bobby sleep in since I got up with the kids to get Aleia ready to go to church with Donna. After church, Donna and I took the kids to the once a month Antique thing at the big arena to look for tussy mussies for the wedding. I got Aleia down for a short nap when we got home and then had to take Wyatt home. We stopped at Bobby's mom's to check on the animals since his parents were gone to KC for a funeral, but they'd already gotten home so stayed and talked to them for a bit.. TookBobby home and headed to the store. I swear I feel like the only ones that have seen me lately are the post office and Aleia and Wyatt!

It's called responsibility damnnit...

No, I am not a happy camper.. here it is 4:58 in the morning, and I finally got ahold of someone to find out where the hell Bobby is. That's great that he was concerned about a drunk guy at a party he dj'd for at people we know's house. But damnnit I don't have their number, and yes I gave Bobby the phone not that he's answered it any of the 50 times I've called. I finally got Aleia up at 3:45 after watching the local news ticker on tv reading about a bad accident on Kellogg wondering if the reason no one was answering their phones was because they were lying in the emergency room. Damnnit when he saw that he was going to be staying at their house, he needed to call me. I've had a little girl crying all night for daddy. My nerves are shot. I'm not a happy camper at the moment.

You know my life is crappy when I don't want to take time to blog it

Don't think I've used green so we'll go with it...

Well let's see, what's the easiest re-cap....

Ok as of this week Bobby and I are jobless... Group Shots is going out of business. Figures.

I started an E-bay store for wedding, baby, anniversay, graduation invitations and announcements.. seems to be taking off a bit... could damn sure use the money!

I've declared an official NO DRAMA tour...

No more friends yelling and fighting in MY house at 2 in the morning with their spouse...

NO more friends going out to my driveway and trying to kill themselves!

No more ex-girlfriends showing up and cornering my fiance when I'm up singing and can't stop it.

No more of Wyatt's mom acting like a 3 yr old not wanting to share her toys! Let me TELLLLLLLLLLL you this one is gonna get cut down REAL fast, or Heather is going to let he know how it is! I am NOT above calling the SRS child abuse hotline!

Ok so now that I've got most of that out.. enough that you know the jist of my life... I have an interview with the Four Points Sheraton on Monday at 10:00. I have broke down, and going to the WIC office on Tues. I see thata my wedding is in 6 months, 3 weeks and 1 day, and yet I still don't know where it's going to be. I know who's in it.. I know flowers, I know everything else but the important crap!

Someone find me sex and pasta.. please