I see I haven't posted here in a long time. Not since around the time Bobby ran off. Now I find myself feeling like I'm living in a repeat of him, still wishing I had the guts to act out in the way I'm being treated. I just can't do it.

I left Wichita a year ago because I fell in love. Now I'm sitting here in tears as usual. I don't have anyone to talk to, and the one time I finally do talk to someone I used to know, it gets perceived as I'm doing something wrong. I wish! I wish i could talk myself into it! Nooooooo instead I cry myself to sleep every night, lonely wondering if he's busy talking or texting someone else. I wish I could bring myself that low to do that back to him, I wih I had done it to Bobby. I could just die every time I think about those 3 yrs. Wasted. Unloved, unwanted, unneeded, used and left like yesterday's trash. Now I'm being forced to feel that way again, and the one person I could find that knew about ehat happened to me, I can't even talk to because I only know of one place to find him and his wife.

If I didn't have Aleia I think I'd really just lay down and let my heart stop beating cause I can't take this much longer. I feel like nothing, a nobody, not even good enough for touching.

Has It Really Been That Long?

Good grief.. has it really been since August since I las posted??? Sheesh! Well I lost that wonderful new job when they decided that they couldn't handle the surrogacy thing.. Figures.. screw em... I've been temping a I was so close to my transfer date that I thought it'd be best to have a flexible time until after the pregnancy... then my body screwed me.... 2 days before my flight, they did the ultrasound to check my lining to find that it had thinned out too much to do the transfer with any kind of a chance of pregnancy resulting. So now I've got to start th whole meds cycle all over again....we'll try for transfer again in December.

And today i got called that I got the job as a studio manager for PCA the portrait studios inside WalMart... back to running a portrait studio...

A New Job!!!

I got a new job, and today was my first day!!!! I love it!!! And tomorrow we get to sign the contract for being a surrogate!!! I start the medicine regiment any day now!!!

The fertility doctor thinks I might be insulin resistant, so tomorrow morning I have to go do a 2 hr GTT with insulins. Great I get to be stuck 5 times in 2 hours! Aleia starts school on the 15th. I'm so not ready for it!

Wow... what a month

Well here it is 2 days before my birthday.. 29.... what we're doing to celebrate is, I don't know yet.

Bobby started a new job at Slumberland Furniture.. I've already got my eye on the couch I want to get in a few months! I'm still looking, but have gotten a few days in with a temp agency here and there. Had several more disappointing interviews.

On a lighter note.... I've decided to be a surrogate mother! I have a couple I've been matched with already, and just need to do the medical screenings and then the contract. I'll start the med and injection regiment near the end of Aug and have to fly to California for the insemination in Sept. I'm so excited,a nd this couple really really deserves to have a baby after having had 14 miscarriages.

For the better....

Bobby's home. He won't be going on the road any time soon. He went Wed. And got through part of the physical and sent home the same day being told he needs a waiver for his eye. Come to find out he can't get one cause he hasn't been driving for 3 years CDL.. I'm like HTH is he to drive 3 years if he can't get the cdl in the first place??????? Anyway I have found some prospects to help him get one locally, and KS vision waiver doesn't have that goofy restriction on it. Just need a doctor approval. I'm disappointed for him, and I know that he's hurting over it, and feels like he's a failure, but I can't resist being happy that I get to keep him here with me. I so totally did not sleep that night.

Bobby made a friend on the way home, and he's stayed with us a couple nights, and is going back to Michigian tomorrow.

I'm still looking for work again. Had a few interviews, but nothing yet. I could just scream!

Aleia went to a friend's birthday party today, it's Donna's little boy Matt whom she claims she's going to marry when she grows up.. I'm going to roll over laughing if they do at some point since he currently thinks she laughs too much! Will post the pics of them at his party after I get them developed!

Killing Time....

Here I find myself at 10:01 pm waiting for Bobby's underwear to wash so I can put them in the dryer so he can take them with him. I can't believe it's come down to this. No work, so he's leaving for a truck driving school in Kansas City. I have to take him at 1am to catch the bus to Kansas City. He'll be there for 3 weeks, and then at graduation, taken directly to a terminal, assigned a trainer, and out on the road for the next 6 weeks with no guarantee of hometime. All I can do durring those 6 weeks is hope he gets a run through here. The company he's going to work for does Wal Mart and Sams Club so it could happen. I think I've spent the better part of the last 2 days crying. We had his going away party Friday night at Crazy Horse. I was hoping to have the pics back from that to send with him, but just can't spare the money to develope them. We did make it Monday with Wyatt and Aleia to get family pics taken on my free smilesaver card from Sears.

Time Marches On

Not real sure where to catch up from.. We've been working in the yard alot, finally got my flowers out. Been trying to get the vegetable garden in the backyard done. We've taken Aleia fishing a few times. She had her 5th birthday on the 19th. We got her a Barbie pole. She caught 2 large mouth bass and a catfish.

We went without water for a few days while waiting for the maint guy to come and fix the pipe leak in the basement. I got a bloody ticket for driving mom's car with a crack in the windshield. Figures. I've had some odd stomach problems, broke down and went to the doctor Fri and then Aleia got sick, so I had to stay home with her yesterday. Bye bye job. I do have an interview tomorrow morning with the Wichita CLinic though.

Bobby's been working on a roof with his dad. He's got one hell of a farmer's tan going on. Poor baby is exhausted byt he time dinner is over, though he's still been real good about cooking for us. Love that BBQ!